Today is Sunday. For almost all of my life, I've gone to church on Sunday. Since I was a little girl, my parents took the family to church. It was a way of setting aside one day a week to "give to God". (To NOT go, doesn't mean doom and damnation, but really everyday should be given to Him...after all, each day has been given to us to begin with.) Anyway, it was our Sunday ritual and I am so thankful for that habit that has been engrained in me. So....today was one of those days that I wasn't going.
Occasionally, as a caregiver, the WIMES get a hold of me. The Whoa Is ME Syndrome sprouts out it's claws and digs deep within me. Or, it could be called the "Why ME". Like an angry cat....those claws spring out and grab hold. No matter how much I shake, they won't let go. ME! ME! ME!...Lord, how long is this going to last? Can't you see how lonely I am? Jerry is at peace. What if the money runs out? On and on and on...those claws of anxiety leave their scratch marks then dig in.
So, today I wasn't going to church. Afterall, I made my appearance last week. I'll just stay in my "self" and head on up to be with Jerry. I'll sit in the facility living room and hug his side and lick my wounds of self pity. Jerry will sit. Well....he will sit with my warm body hugged up next to him.
On my drive up to New Bern, there was something inside that kept saying "Turn around." Ignoring the voice, I kept on driving. All of a sudden I found myself making a U-turn. I headed straight to church without hesitation. It was as if I had no control over the car.
While at the service, I found a sweet, sweet friend to sit with. I miss having my kindred spirit to sit with. The music was beautiful and set the tone for what was ahead. So...guess what the sermon was about.......SELFLESS LOVE. The arrows were pointed right at me....and those claws were beginning to lose their grip. "Keep loving each other with a selfless love by continuing to love each other."
1 John 4:7-10.
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins."
This selfless love is something that cannot be obtained on my own. This kind of love means to set myself aside....This kind of love can only be from GOD who has already demonstrated what selfless love really is.
SO....there ya have it. There were words that I was suppose to hear today. Words that reminded me of the journey that Jerry and I are on. Words, from Holy Scripture, that supported the journey with the substance necessary to continue. That it's not about ME. It's about completing the journey that has been set before us. It's about the journey and the message of love to the N'th degree. It's about the legacy I have to leave to my children.
The claws have been loosened. They have let go and only left a few little scratch marks. Scratch marks that will heal as I continue.
I later visited Jerry. The visit was wonderful in a precious sense of the word. The living room was filled with residents watching basketball.....and the "love seat" was left for us.