For quite some time, I’ve asked God why? Why is Jerry going through this? Why is it taking so long? Why the suffering? I learned quite some time ago that the question “Why?” is something that cannot be answered. My belief is that when this life is over, we’ll understand. For now, we’ll never understand the full picture of what God has in store. For me, I can only wait and abide with Him. Walk with Him day by day, moment by moment.
It has now come to the point that we can see that Jerry’s dying is very real. Up until now, we’ve been able to continue and live the life that God has so richly blessed us with. But, now has come the time where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. It’s a lot harder than I thought, but God sustains me. Pretty much Jerry is not aware of his condition. He has moments of delight for which I am thankful. He has security for which I am thankful. He knows he is loved...oh, so loved.
Still, there is a little fight left in him. Even yesterday, he clinched his fist loosely and mumbled. I knew what he was saying...."I’m trying to hold on.” I held his hand and actually tried to communicate about his leaving. I asked, “Why?” He began to cry. I asked, “Are you afraid?” He said, “No.” I held firmly and rubbed his arms, “Don’t you know that Jesus has prepared a place for you?” He heard me and said, “Yes.” I said, “He’s prepared a place for me too. There will come a time when we’ll have to let go.” Then, we both cried. He was aware in those moments.
This morning, however, I had this epiphany. Even though Jerry’s death is near, none of his know the day or hour. It could be a day. It could be a year. Alzheimer deaths are completely unpredictable. I realized that, no, there are still things that have to take place before Jerry goes. God is not finished and there are grand things that must take place first. Grand spiritual things. It gave me a completely new perspective. I saw a much bigger picture...much bigger than just us.
So, maybe that is “why”. The answer is coming and it will be far greater than I could have imagined.