I once heard a radio psychologist suggest that we should not write when we are fatigued, hungry, angry, (something else, I forgot). Well, .......
People have said that I will have extra jewels in my crown. Don't know about the jewels in the crown...I don't want them. It's getting too heavy.
There's a country band that comes to Jerry's place once a month. It's Jerry's favorite ole timey country music. After such a great "respite" I thought I'd go and dance with him tonight. BAD IDEA! He is so pitiful. Don't know whether to be happy or sad. When you see these beautiful people…besides the smell of urine, the food drippings on the top of the shoes, the bruises on their faces from falls, the glazed eyes…..what else can I say….I try to see what positive that I can.
Jerry is still beautifully handsome…very skinny…but handsome. His eyes are still radiant blue…but they see far off in the distance and they are "wanting". Tonight, he was completely unaware that I was sitting by him….I was sitting on the wrong side. I should have been sitting on the left. I am so grateful to these talented people who give of their time to bring these tunes to these forgotten folks. There is a "mean" fiddler and a blind bass guitar player with a great sense of humor, the woman with a velvet voice and then there is the man that slides on his steel guitar. They smile bravely and joke but there is one singer who insists on playing the old woeful whining songs that bring the room to a downward spiral. It takes two Orange Blossom Specials and a Good Ole Mountain Dew to get the hands clapping again.
Jerry was rather unresponsive tonight which brings me such sadness. I think he was even hallucinating but I couldn't tell. There was no dancing. Oh how I wish I could hear a cohesive word come from his voice. We held hands tonight...all four of them, his and mine. His hands are so soft. If there was anything that use to get a rise out of him…it was foot stomping country music. When the Orange Blossom Special was over, he got so excited that he gingerly rose to his feet and walked to the front of the room amongst the singers. He had no idea where he was going. It was so pitifully sad but a smily type of sad.
Ok….now that you are probably crying. I'll stop. I realize this is sad. People say this is cathartic for me. Yes, it is. However, it is real and I am not the only person to experience this. There are many. We will cry. We will be blessed. We will be stronger in time.
Now, I think I'll go eat some toasted raisin bread with extra sugar on top....along with a gin and tonic..then go to bed.