Ms. Pensive

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What do you do with Ms. Pensive?  Stuff her down inside a down pillow?  Cram her in an iron box?  Throw her overboard…way out at sea?

Now, before you call the law, let me explain who Ms. Pensive is.  She's not exactly a bad person or and evil character.  Actually, she's very empathetic, appreciative of those who mean something to her, and she's thoughtful.  The problem is she's TOO thoughtful!  The reason she's a problem is that her thoughts can consume you (me) and suck every last bit of joy out of you (me).  THUS, SHE HAS GOT TO GO!

Let me give you an example.  Today, for the first time in a very long time, Jerry did not know me.  Those who have read this blog know that this is the connection that has always been there..the fact that his eyes light up and his arms open wide when he sees me.  Well, today he did not.  

I had driven in from Raleigh to take Jerry to First Baptist Church.  This wonderful group of volunteers come every Monday and sing old hymns.  It's a fabulous song fest.  This month, they wanted to invite the entire group to the church for a Christmas dinner and communion.  Since Jerry has been in decline for a while, the only way he would be able to attend would be if I escorted him.  Sooooo, putting on my armor, I decided to give it a try.  When I arrived, I opened the door to the unit and saw Jerry standing about 12 feet away next to the nurse.  He had his back to me.  The nurse turned him around toward me, pointed and said, "Look, Jerry."  There was no response.  The head med tech, likewise, went over to Jerry and led him to me, saying, "Look, Jerry. Look who's here!"  Jerry shuffled over, gazed right past me and walked right on by.  I put my hand on his cheeks and guided his eyes towards mine.  Nothing.  Three times, he walked by me, never seeing me.  

Interestingly enough, Ms. Pensive, didn't get a grip on me.  She tried, ever so slightly, to make me feel sad, but it didn't happen. Briefly, the thought of "Just shoot me" fleeted through my mind, but it didn't stick.   It was if Jerry was someone else's husband.  Sometimes, when there is no response from Jerry it actually helps.  It's not as difficult emotionally.  For some reason, the lack of connection keeps things impersonal.  Does that make sense?

Anyway, the question still remains…"what do you do with Ms. Pensive?"  There have been many occasions when Ms. Pensive has tried to take over my mind.  I fight being taken down by her and with all my mental might, I keep her in her iron clad box with a few cinder blocks  on top for safe measure. Ms. Pensive doesn't like that and I can see her peering through the cracks.  WIth every song of jazz, and every golden oldie her piercing eyes try to make contact.  When I see couples enjoying dinner across the table, or walking down the boardwalk or when I am walking on the beach she reminds me that I'm suppose to be melancholy.  NO!  With every last ounce of my energy, I am calling you by name, MS. PENSIVE.  MS PENSIVE, YOU WILL NOT TAKE ME DOWN!  Get in your box!  Take this!  Take that!  See this rubber mallet?  It's a beautiful sunny day, here, at the beach.  There are dogs to walk and canvasses to paint.  You cannot have me!