Ok, ya'll. How do you move on when you've got the love of your life living in Alzheimer world? It's crazy!
The worse thing in the world for me would be to move to Greece....totally in a hedonistic sense, looking for self pleasure, forsaking the fact that I've got a loved one who needs me and loves me. There may be time for that later...but not now. However, the fact remains that our loved ones with Alzheimer disease are not moving very fast and the long goodbye is very long. In this case, 14 years.
So how do you balance moving on with staying loyal? For me, I've made a vow.."til death do us part". That means....until death....not until the death of the brain or the memory. It means...."It's not over until it's over." AND, please do not misunderstand...I am NOT wishing it was over any time before God deems it so.
In the meantime, the need for a life of my own has been a real growing experience. Face it. Jerry and I have been together since I was 17! SEVENTEEN! 17! He was the magnetic one. I was the shy one. Well, this afternoon, while coming home from visiting Jerry, I decided I just could not go home and turn on the TV. ( TV does not exactly turn me on either. Ha!) So, I sucked in a large breath and pulled into the parking lot of our local mexican restaurant. That is WAY out of my comfort zone...to go into a restaurant alone, sit, and eat by myself. LOSER! I've done it once or twice before and texted on the cell phone the entire time. SO STUPID!
Anyway, when I walked in, I said, "Self! Just sit at the bar. Be brave. Go over there and sit and order a top shelf margarita. Act like you know what you're doing!" So I did. I ordered a Don Julio margarita. (never heard of the guy, but the people next to me said that's what I should order.) I ate the entire basket of chips all by myself, too. I tried to make conversation with Armando/Alfedo, whoever he was. After a few struggling minutes, I noticed a few other struggling losers too. Oh, I"m sorry I said that. WE ARE NOT LOSERS!
After a little while, I found that there were some pretty nice people around. New friends, should I say. Course, I was the only "stag" person there....but the rest of the groups were all very inclusive which made me feel less stupid. Still trying to maintain my dignity, I packed up my belongings after my marguerita and went home with my steak quesadilla to go. After all, I had things to do, places to go, and people to see. YEAH, RIGHT! One large step for myself and one small step for mankind. Wasn't that a quote from the first steps on the moon?? Oh yeah....it was "one small step for man. one leap for mankind." ...or something like that.