Time to Let Go

Our Raleigh trip has been filled with emotion for me.  The other day, I took Jerry to his old daycare for about 4 hours so I could have some "girl time" with my daughters.  As we approached the church, where the daycare is housed, Jerry immediately recognized it.  He was not opposed.  The minute we walked in, we were greeted by his old “buddies”, Buck and Jerry.  Those little guys are the cutest things, about late 70’s and have been attending that day care for years.  It was like “old home week” for Jerry.  I was so relieved and for a fleeting couple of hours, I wondered if I should move back to Raleigh. I just couldn’t bear to think of Jerry sleeping all alone at night in a “home”.  It’s just not time.  It’s just not time.  Maybe the daycare option would work.  I even told my oldest daughter to look for a place for me to live.  The thought of moving back sends this huge feeling of suppression on my soul.  I cried out back and forth, "But Lord.  Please don’t make me move back here.”  “Ok.  I can do it.”  “I’ll do whatever I need to do to take care of Jerry.”   I even drove around wondering where in the world we would live.  The longer I drove, the more depressed  I got.   While Raleigh is a beautiful town, it is filled with trees.  The trees make me feel “down under” ...under a covering....I am an open sky kinda gal.  The town is filled with young moms and shopping and soccer games and kid life.  I’ve moved on from that.  I can’t go back.  Help!

My daughter wants me to live with her.....in an apartment in her backyard.  While that is the sweetest compliment....to be wanted by my daughters...I am way too independent for that.  I told her maybe I could do that when I’m 80.  Not 58.  I’ve still got a half century of living and self discovery and growing to do.

Back to Jerry.  Yesterday, while staying at Katie’s, she kept him while I spent a couple of hours delivering paintings.  When I returned, I could see that her spirits were down.  She was trying to be strong, but it was pretty obvious.  His decline brings  a whirlwind of emotions and Jerry has been at his worst.  Accept for his day at the daycare, he has been wandering, confused, clingy, very anxious, .....unable to speak.....you name it...even grumpy.

Last night we went to our grandson’s adorable Christmas sing-a-long, it hit me.  This may be Jerry’s last Christmas with the family.  This may be his last sing-a-long.  Then when I saw an old friend, we began sobbing beyond control....DAMN, THIS IS HARDER THAN I EVER IMAGINED.

Labor pains.  Labor pains.  ...and the contractions are getting harder.  While I briefly entertained the “day care” option, I think it would be totally insane to bring Jerry back here, just to keep him out of a facility.  It couldn’t be more than a couple of years away.  Then, as the days have continued here, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can not do this anymore.  I have become very fragile in my mental and emotional state.  I think I’ve finally accepted it.

So, I am committing myself to a time of prayer and listening for the next little while.  I realize that it’s time.  I’m almost relieved.  Maybe Jerry will be relieved.  Thus, begins the beginning a the new change.  I’ll keep you posted on our progress.