I can’t believe I might devulge these thoughts to the internet world. Is anyone else this transparent? I’ve pretty much been an independent thinker who really is not influenced by what others think. The only thing that really matters to me is that I do not give God a " black eye”. Don’t know if that makes sense to you or not, but....
My son called this afternoon after a long phone call with my youngest daughter. Evidently, the subject of their call was ME. We talked about the upcoming plan for Jerry’s and my well being.
Ok, people, I am going to be completely honest. Evidently, my kids (and son-in-laws) are going to present me with the cold hard facts and options about our future. My independent stubborn self is not going down without a fight. While I truly appreciate their concern, I understand that their viewpoint is from the perspective of a "30 something” . I’ve been a “30 something” before. Really, I have. Now, you must understand that I am writing this at 7:30 on a Saturday night, with Jerry asleep by my side. We WERE watching some sappy Hallmark Christmas movie. Let’s see...how many years have I seen these Hallmark movies? Snore!
My kids are to the point where they think I should move on with my life. They are pretty sure that I am at the end of my rope being a full time caregiver....and I must say...they may be right. Sniff! I might be near the point of crying “uncle”. I will admit....there are times that I dream of another life where I’ve moved on and started over. I imagine being independent, free, growing, painting, traveling, and maybe...just maybe...meeting someone who can hold my hand, and carry on an intelligent conversation over a fine dining evening and even become a kindred spirit spiritually. Ok...there, I said it.
But, dearhearts, I cannot, absolutely cannot “go there” right now. While I have been entrusted with Jerry’s care, I must be faithful. Oh yeah, I could say, “ I was only 19 when I married Jerry. I didn’t know what I was doing.” No! A man is only as good as his word. (a woman also.) That was the decision I made, and I must be faithful. I can only imagine if the roles were reversed. Would I want my loved one to hang in there with me? I know I would place my security in the one who promised to stay by me. I would only hope that my life long partner would be faithful, not dump me along the side of the road and move on. Course, then...I would want him to be happy. At some point, if I were completely “gone to the world” I know I would want him to be happy. Course, I would never know it. Oh...HOW COMPLICATED. All I know is, I will come before God someday and have to answer for what I have done with my life. I want to live a life with no regrets.
So many people...caring people...concerned people...have offered their help and their advice with the most loving of intentions. But, I know the decision lies with me...the buck stops here. I will have to be the one who signs on the dotted line, turns and walks away. I will have to live with it and have peace in my decision. I will have to sleep at night. No one will have to answer for these future decisions but me. So, in the end, there is only one that I have to answer to... no one but ONE.