Ok....so I am so confused these days I don’t even know whether I am coming or going. Please don’t think I don’t truly appreciate the love and support of my children. They are the best and only want what’s best for the both of us. I asked them to help me sort through some things and they are willing to help me. What I meant by the last post...is that whatever decision is made for Jerry, I will have to be the one to live with it. There are a whirlwind of decisions and emotions running through my mind . With that said, I had a friend remind me that there is a difference between having 24hr/365 day a week care so I can be healthy, verses so I can have a new ME life. Another friend said getting 24/365 care actually IS taking care of him and may even be a change for the better for him. Oh....such confusion.
Today, the second consecutive day with just Jerry and I hunkered down in cold weather, was a tad testy. Poor Jerry does not deserve my impatience. We went out for a little ride and I bought a newspaper. After our coffee and newspaper, we tidied up the house a little and I made some soup. Things were fine. But as the day went on, Jerry became more and more clingy. No joke, he followed me everywhere. I put on a great golf movie hoping he would watch. I reminded him that “we’ve done so much work that maybe you should rest.” He agreed, but within minutes he was up again. I went down to finish some children’s portraits I’m working on, and every time I would turn around, there was Jerry standing behind the glass door. I’d take him back upstairs again and get him seated. Within 5 minutes, he was back again. I became so frustrated that I threw my brush down and quit. My being stressed does not help him at all.
We were suppose to go to a little cookie open house, so we went up stairs to dress. After doing the whole toothbrush and shaving thing, I wanted him to wait for me to take a shower. I’m sorry, but this is where I gave up. He would not wait. He kept standing outside the shower door and opening it. Normally, I would have just had him come on in, but we didn’t have time for that. ANYWAY, I didn’t even get upset. Giving up, I just leaned against the wall and said, “would you please leave me alone?” There ya have it....I felt so guilty after that. So guilty! He doesn’t deserve to have his feelings hurt. He doesn’t understand.
I’ve really been struggling with some anger lately. Anger that I’ve been put in this position to decide. Anger that this disease has outlived my endurance. Anger that this diseased has drained all our finances. Anger that I don’t have it in me to continue. Anger that I’m not stronger. Anger that he is still so nice. Anger that I am not.
Sorry. It must be a PMS thing. Uh, no. It’s a little late for that.