I’ve taken the rest of the day to wallow in numbness.  I came home, ate baked chicken, a piece of peach pie and turned on the movie, Devine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.  The phone kept ringing but I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  Can I tell you the truth? People have said....“what an incredible journey”,  “you are so brave”, “ you are an inspiration”, “thank you for your courage”, “you’ve gone beyond“, “you are such a good wife”, "what a testimony”...all these comments are truly appreciated, but not exactly true.

HONESTLY!  I would trade it all to have my Jerry back.  While we did not have the perfect marriage....we were no different that most.  We bickered (occasionally), we became distant (from time to time), we took each other for granted, we fussed over sports verses musicals, we gave each other  the silent treatment, we neglected each other. He grew more handsome, I grew fatter and more wrinkled...we were like most.   Underneath it all, however,  we were soulmates and best friends.  Even though we may not have always met each other’s needs and we may have, at times,  put our own selves first, there was never any doubt that we would be there for one another.

I didn’t ask to be an inspiration.  I didn’t want to be courageous. In fact, when he was first diagnosed, I became sick at the fact we were going to go through this.  Years ago, I knew this time would come.  I didn’t know if I could do it.    I’m tired of being brave.  This is the saddest experience I’ve ever had.  More than losing my parents.  My eyelids are heavy.

But, God, in his grace, is preparing me little by little.  I’m not so sure I’m prepared even now.  Yet, I cannot crumble, because He is holding me up.  Barely.  I hate having to be brave.  I wish we were not going through this.  But, I will tell you....Jerry is happy.  He is safe.  He is not in pain.

It is the caregiver who is sad at the loss and dealing with the pain.  Not to discourage you who are caregivers, but this journey is not for the faint of heart.  You will find strength you never knew you were capable of.   You, who are undergoing this, are amazing people.   There is a spiritual reward...just not one that you would ask for.  No one asks to undergo such loss just to experience joy or a “spiritual reward”.  Truly, truly, however, God is sufficient and will not forsake us.  He heals the wounds of the broken hearted.  This I know.

Take heart, my friends.  We can survive this.  We must.  The shadows of  sadness will fade and the sun will come out in time.