Three Days Past Seeing Him

Remember I gave myself three days to grieve.  HA!  What was I thinking!  Me and my grandiose plans. The first day after seeing Jerry I was comatose.  Remember I ate pie and watched the Ya -Ya Sisterhood?  Kept the lights out so no one would know I was home.  Just didn’t feel like talking to anyone and repeating the story over and over again.  I kept having visions of Jerry in my mind; all frail and lost looking.  I’d cry a little, then stop.

Yesterday, day two, the sun was shining so bright, it was hard to be sad.   Montana and I walked the beach, then I came in to conquer the world.  Did nothing.  Have a million things to launch, but no focus.  Downloaded a list of publishers for this blog.  Quit. The most that was done was half spray paint a piece of wrought iron furniture.  It’s still in the yard.  You see, as caregiver, the hours were scheduled for me.  Up early to paint, then the rest of the day would be spent trying to accommodate Jerry.  Now, I have all the time in the world, with no pressure to complete anything.  I think I’m still trying to process that I can’t have him back.  He’s still there but not really.  Does that make sense?  It’s like watching someone walk away into the distance, desperately running after them, but never being able to catch up.  And the thing is.....I don’t think it will stop until’s final.  I went to a friend’s house to help her organize her studio.  That kept my mind busy.   I wonder if he thinks about anything when he lays his head down to sleep at night.  I do.

Today is day three.  The sun is completely unobstructed by anything and the sky is a light transparent cobalt hue (that’s art talk).  There’s a little more energy in me today and I’m going to keep music on.  Lively music.  The portrait workshop starts tomorrow and I need to prime my canvases and organize my supplies to take.  Yes!  A deadline!  I’m going to a financial workshop tonight.  Don’t want to go, but I’m going to make myself.  Guess I’ve got to face those hurdles.  Does this mean I have to stick to a budget?  That makes me chuckle!

Turning my music on now.  My canvases are waiting.  PS.  I threw the pie away.  Deep down in the trash where I couldn’t retrieve it.