It's time I do some self analysis and get a grip on things. I just had way too high of expectations of my weekend with the boys. Being a little more needy than usual, I think I needed their lovin'. I envisioned this commercial like happy day skipping along with gleeful little pirate boys then receiving the "coolest grammy" award. You see, deep down inside, maybe I was just looking for an escape....a carefree day where Alzheimer world was far, far away. (Hey, I'm a poet!) As it turned out, the boys were, well, boys, and Alzheimer world came right along with us. I think I bit off more than I could chew and in my disappointment, I cried when I turned them back over to their mommie. Anyway, on the way home, Jerry and I were kind of quiet. Then, out of the blue, with a fading voice, in a complete sentence, Jerry said, "I know you won't be able to keep me." Then, his eyes welled up with tears. I suppose it's been in the back of our minds for quite some time and has effected our behavior for a while. This time, he was able to verbalize it. Taken back, I empathized at first. I was driving, so I patted his leg. He cried some more. Then, I tried to reassure him that I was going to try to keep him for as long as I can because we're best friends.
I know this conversation was probably gone from his mind in a matter of minutes, but at least we had it. I also, know that he is trying to stay "with me". He's trying to be functional. Yet, the fear looms and I see his eyes well up countless times throughout the day.
Lest, I lose it, I'm taking the bull by the horn. I put out a distress signal to our friends at church and 11 people signed up to help. I am so overwhelmed at the compassion from these folks. What an encouragement. I also, emailed our doctor and we're adjusting his medications and adding a low dose of an anti-anxiety medication. I'm contacting our insurance, veterans administrative services, and hospice services tomorrow to see what support is available there. This time I'm not just doing research, I'm going to put a plan in action.
All I know is that I can't do this alone, and I've got to get more balance back into our lives. The race is starting to get the best of me and we've got a long way to go,