Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Ok, so you know Jerry's been experiencing so much anxiety the last few months. I finally, did what I never wanted to do. I succumbed to an anti-anxiety drug. It did just as I expected; put him to sleep. Just what I was afraid of. I suppose I should talk about why I was afraid. I've never wanted to drug Jerry. The Aricept and Namenda have always seemed to help, so those drugs actually enhanced Jerry's presence. This one takes him away. If you think about it, taking him away probably eases his struggle, yet it takes him away from me. It's seems like a picture of what's to come. A life without Jerry. Oh man, I'm going to make myself cry. Whahhhhhh!

The pharmacist told me it would take effect in about 20 minutes and that I could try to determine what caused Jerry the most stress and anxiety, then time it accordingly. He said it would last about 6 hours. His most difficult time (the pacing, the up and down, the standing at my door) usually happens at its worse during the sundown hours, from 3-6, so I gave him his first dose, today, at 2;30. He was asleep by 3:00. All I wanted to do was keep my arm around him.

Talking myself into leaving him, I headed down to the studio to paint. Thought it would take my mind off of him. I AM WRITING THIS NOW. Every stroke I made, I said a new sentence of this blog to myself. Figured, I'd may as well write while the thoughts are fresh in my mind. There are a whirlwind of thoughts swirling in my head. My son says I think too much. Can't help it. My father was a "thinker" and so am I.

Can't stay at this computer all day. I am going to get up and finish this commission. I am going to focus. I am going to refresh my mind. I am.

Then, I'm going upstairs to be with Jerry.