Would You Change? - an Alzheimer Journey by Sue Scoggins
I've been listening to Tracy Chapman's song "CHANGE"….over and over and over again today. It was given to me from a friend who is experiencing the same Alzheimer loss.
If you knew that you would die today
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad how good does it need to get?
How many losses how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around makes you try to explain
Makes you forgive and forget
Makes you change
Makes you change
If you knew that you would be alone
Knowing right being wrong
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings a pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad how good does it need to get?
How many losses how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Today I went to see Jerry. It was a real awakening again. A dog trainer had come with therapy golden retrievers. They were beautiful and kind and attentive.
Jerry was seated in a comfortable club chair. I went over and sat on the arm of the chair…placed my arm around him and stroked his hair. He didn't know me.
I really didn't look in his eyes. I just looked at his frail arm and hand and felt his chest. I don't understand how anyone can live in this emaciated condition.
He does not know pain. He is not aware. I am thankful.
I've been crying off and on today. The end is near. Days. Weeks. Maybe months.
The reality is…..
If you knew that you would die today
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
The end of life is real for everyone.
Soon, the gates will open for Jerry. One thing for sure is that Jesus is opening that gate and it will only be a matter of time before he is ushered into that beautiful unimaginable heaven where there will be no more weeping and he will be whole again. I can only imagine what awaits this beautiful human being. I will be only ecstatic with joy for him. Not to be held captive. To be free!
There is a time when all of us look back on our life and ask….."would I change?"
If I had known this was our journey would I have changed it? No! Would I choose it? No! But, I would do it again….marry Jerry again…live this journey again? Yes! God has revealed himself in ways I could not have imagined.
His grace and mercy..words cannot explain.
Birthdays - an Alzheimer Journey by Susan Scoggins
Tomorrow is Jerry's birthday. On February 27, 1948 a beautiful little baby boy was born.
From the Psalmist David:
Psalms 139:1-6. O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down. You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, Oh Lord. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand and upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Some wonder why I feel the need to go see Jerry on his birthday. After all, he does not know it is his birthday. He does not know who I am. Any day for ice cream, is a good day. So, why ON THE DAY.
I suppose it's because, I believe that God knows exactly what our days will be like before we are ever born. Jerry's days are numbered, as are all of ours, and he is still with us. Jerry cannot communicate and is not aware in MY/OUR world, the world outside of Alzheimers, but his life still has meaning. His life has GREAT meaning, beyond our small little minds, and his Heavenly Father is holding him close. According to scripture, God knows Jerry's thoughts. He is familiar with all his ways...whether I know them or not.
So...tomorrow, I'll drive to New Bern to celebrate Jerry's life, his meaning, his contribution to this world. Happy Birthday Jerry.
Sunny's New Side -a new vocabulary by Sue Scoggins
It's year 15 now and Jerry is holding his own. One day is it virtually impossible to wake him up. The next day he is fairly alert, seems like he recognizes people, and is actually wanting to go for a walk. There no predicting.... no expectation....every day is different. In order to keep from going crazy myself, I've decided NOT to evaluate each and every day individually..but to look at everything as a "way of life". Everyone living has good days and bad, happiness and sadness, vibrant days and exhausting days. It's a choice in attitude that we must make.
It's time for an attitude adjustment to the Sunny Side (I love that song!) So, to make things a little brighter, I'm going to change my vocabulary. From now on it goes like this.
WEAK (sounds so negative and pitiful). Weak wIll be termed as RELAXED. Sort of like when you are totally relaxed on the couch and you don't want to get up. When someone says "Get up." You respond by raising your hands and saying "Pull me up." Most of us would call that lazy...but I'm calling it so relaxed that you can't get up. It's not a bad thing. It's actually nice. As Jerry continues he will become more "RELAXED".
GLAZED (sounds so foggy, distant, and again, pitiful...unless we're talking donuts). Glazed will now be termed DREAMY. Dreamy, which are the way Jerry's eyes have always been will become dreamier. That's not such a bad thing either. Maybe they are dreaming about heaven.
APHASIA (the inability to speak)...we'll call that the "silent treatment". Heaven knows, as any dutiful wife would do, I've given him the silent a few times.
SLEEPING (which we all know is slumped over in a chair). Sleeping will now be termed NAPPING. Oh, what I wouldn't do to get a nap.
CONFUSED/DISORIENTED (sounds so disconcerting.) Confused will now become BLOND. Funny, because he's the dark headed one with the good head on his shoulders. I'm a blond. So I get it!
WEEPY (sounds so sad). Weepy will now become TOUCHED..as in a moment of reflection that is joyful to the heart, like when we sing hymns. These are tears of joy.
UNRESPONSIVE (sounds so "gone"). Unresponsive will now be termed as on VACATION. Now, doesn't that sound so much better? Think of your best vacation...don't you occasionally find yourself drifting off to your favorite place? At some point, Jerry will be on permanent vacation in Heaven, free of this terrible disease forever. It doesn't get an better than that.
And when people ask, "How is Jerry doing?" I will answer. "He is at peace. He really is at peace."
Keep on the Sunny Side, always on the sunny side.......of life.