This morning was a hard one. We actually slept until 10:30. ME! 10:30! When I sprung out of bed, I saw the clock, and laughed....It’s 10:30! Can you believe that, Jerry? We slept ’til 10:30! I mean, I was refreshed and feeling so good. Jerry responded with a groan. I don’t do groans well, but I ignored it and said, “Let’s drive to Raleigh and pick up McCauley. “Awe. Come on.” he said. Now, “Awe. Come on.” doesn’t mean...Yippi....it means, "groan...I don’t want to....why do I have to do this?” Immediately, my happy bubble was being burst. The joy was being robbed.
I don’t know if Jerry is an unusual case, but several people in the last few months have commented on how hard this must be. “I don’t know how you do it.” they say. Well, I don’t know how I do it either. It’s really the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced in my life. I think the hardest thing, is not to lose Jerry to this world. I know we are all going to suffer at times, and we are all going to die. I am secure in mine and Jerry’s eternal hope. The hard part is living HERE. The hardest part is staying positive when surrounded by all this negativity. I mean, why does a person want to live, when they see things so miserably?
It occurred to me that I don’t have any videos of Jerry when he was well. Gone are the old tapes of when he was a young father. Gone are his soccer coaching years and his cheering for his kids. Gone are the movies of his being on top of his game. This 12 years has been cemented in my memory. Jerry wasn’t always a miserable person. He was the friendliest person, I think, I’ve ever known, and never met a stranger. He would go out of his way to be kind to someone and would have loved playing with his grandchildren. (I think.) That Jerry is gone now. I don’t think he realizes how negative he is. I don’t think he knows what a killjoy he is. I don’t think he’d like it if he knew.
Nonetheless, I don’t know how to handle it. My friend came over this morning. She had a feeling we were in crisis. We were. She saw Jerry outside with the dog and he told her he needed help and that things were bad. They were. They were really bad, because I reached my breaking point. I bubble had been burst and no matter how hard I tried to stop the leak and blow it back up, it was a lost cause. My friend, empathized and tried to help me find a solution. She acknowledged that Jerry was declining and was becoming unable to reach. There still are no day cares around and facilities may not be an option, yet. However, she said, “If I don’t do something, I’m going to lose myself.” “There will be nothing left of me.”
I find myself grasping at straws. Putting in my last ditch effort..over and over and over. The ship is sinking, no matter how hard or how fast I bail out the water. She wished she could give me some answers, but couldn’t. I responded, “In time, the answers will come.” In the meantime, I’m going to keep on keeping on. Her respite of 30 minutes of conversation, was the respite I needed for the day. Thank God, she answered His call.