It’s 2:19am on Friday, New Years Eve day. I do my best thinking in the “am” and there’s not been much sleep lately. We all know that I’ve been searching for new homes for Jerry. I think I’ve grieved for quite some time and I’m grieving over it still. So far I have visited 10 “homes” and have seen too much of the next stage that’s coming. I’ve grieved because, now, when I look into Jerry’s eyes, I see a vacancy and confusion. I want so desperately for him to know how much he is loved. I just want to shake him and yell “I love you so much. Do you hear me? Do you know that?”
This is killing me.
The decision to place him, in some ways, has given me relief; yet the relief has left me with this incredible feeling of loss; this time with no return, yet not completely finished. The emotional struggle of making the final decision is so intense. My heart is hurting. Yet, while coping with the emotions of saying goodbye to the life we once knew together, other doors have been opening for me alone. (It’s not right.)
Today, I received a request from a shop in Chapel Hill asking if I would be willing display my paintings in their store. It was one of those “OH MY GOD” moments. “Well, uh, yea - ah!” Then this disbelief set in....then this overwhelming and humbling feeling .....then this sadness....One minute I’m a sniffling idiot, then I let a little squeak of excitement , then it’s back to sniffling.
It will get better in time. “This too shall pass."