Winding Down

It's been one year and 228 posts.  Sending out our journey has brought so many rewards, especially you.  I would encourage journaling to everyone.  One day, I'll go back and read this documentary, but the feelings are still way too fresh.  I've never reread any post.  The words have come straight from my heart at that moment in time. My son and son-in-law have encouraged me to paint when I go "deep inside".  However, when I am happy, I am visual.  When I am melancholy, I'm verbal.  Who knows, one of these days, I may  "go there" on canvas.

I spoke with the nurse this morning and she told me she thinks Jerry is starting to miss me.  She said he is the nicest man.  I'm so glad they can see his heart.  She also told me that they've discovered he likes to help.  She dropped some spoons and he said, "I can help with that."  She said, now that they realized he likes to help, they will solicit his help whenever they can.  That makes me cry.

Mark left today.  While riding around killing time before heading to the airport, we were trying to think of a place for lunch.  I stupidly said, "We can go to Sawmill Taproom."  (That was one of Jerry's favorites.)  He said, "Without Dad?"  Those tears we had held inside for days, came busting out.  Both of us.  I couldn't even drive.  After composing ourselves, we braved another restaurant and tried to focus on our futures.  This is the beginning of the rest of our lives.  Things are looking up!  It was a terribly hard goodbye this time.  It was a day of missing our husband and dad.

The interesting part is that my missing him is missing our healthy times.  Times before this last decade.  It's like the last 11 years have been a lapse in time.  Disappeared.  If I were to go try to bring him home, it wouldn't be the healthy Jerry.  That Jerry is never coming back.  So, I think I'm almost ready to see him again at Homeplace.  It will remind me that he is where he needs to be and that the Jerry I miss is gone.  This is another Jerry.  One that I can go see and love and leave and go see again.

I'll be winding up the blog in a week or so.  It's important to move on and I don't think any of you need to read my grinding ups and downs.   Just know that if anyone you know would benefit from this blog, please feel free to share.  If anyone you know needs someone to hold their hand on their journey, I am available.  I would be honored to be of service.

So, for now, it's time to go.  (I've got to get my car inspected.  Ha!)  Thought that would end us on a good note today.