Remember yesterday?

Well, to finish up quickly from yesterday.  The day was so full of activity and emotion that it really did a number on Jerry.  He did something he's never done before. Once we unpacked the car and unloaded some groceries, I couldn't find Jerry.  I kept calling him but "no answer".    So, I went over to the front windows and saw him outside down in the yard, with his shirt unbuttoned.  What?  What was he doing?  I called him to come in.  He kept going up and down the stairs.  Like he was needing to do something, but I kept calling him inside. 

By the time he got upstairs, he had his pants off.  "WHAT? What are you doing?"   I was totally taken back.  I mean, people walk around their houses in their underwear all the time, but not Jerry.  So, there he was in his cute little fruit of the loom briefs. (Try not to envision it.  It was not a pretty sight.  He's not Chippedale, ya know.)  Anyway, it really poked a hole in my already mentally exhausted brain and I was trying not to react by crying or crumbling or getting angry.  So we went upstairs and changed into shorts.

I hope this is not a sign of things to come.  Can't help but think about that.  We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Emotional Special Occasions

Hope I didn't sound too cynical about Mother's Day.  I suppose I just have a lot of pent up emotions and it doesn't take much to push me over the edge.  I've discovered that in order to keep from having a breakdown over Jerry, I need to keep things on an even keel, pace myself, and stay upbeat. Yesterday was NOT one of those days.  We had gone up to Raleigh for grandparent's day then decided to stay  through the weekend.  My sons- in- laws are great guys and really do a good job at making their wives feel appreciated.  (They probably have learned that it's to their own benefit to keep their wives are happy. Ha!) Anyway, we did the breakfast thing, the church thing, the lunch thing, the playground with the kids thing and by 1:30 I was ready to get back to Emerald Isle.  The best part for me was when we were all sitting in a row, singing in church.  That's all that matters to me.  When we visit our old church, I am always humbled by the overwhelming welcome we receive from our old  friends.  Sniff!  There are so many caring people in this world and many of these folks we've known for years and years.  It was a warm fuzzy moment that I wished I could savor forever.   

By the time, lunch was over I could see my daughters dragging Jerry by the hand over to the playground where the kids were.  Jerry was walking with a slow and hesitant gate and wasn't looking too good.  It was time to get this poor confused man home.   As we started settling down on the drive home, I noticed there was a message left on my phone.  It was from my son from California.  Then it happened.  I listened to the sweetest Mother's Day message on my voicemail.  It was enough to make me stop the car and sob.  (You would have thought I was PMSing!)  STOP ALL THIS GOODNESS!  I CAN"T HANDLE IT! 

While these types of days are wonderful, they are also very hard.  Emotions run rampant, confusion runs rampant, and fatique runs rampant.  (Just a word of caution for those of you have experienced days like this. )

Anyway, "it's all good."  Nothing that a good night's sleep can't cure. Remember, HIS mercies are new every morning.   (I'll fill you in on "the rest of the story" tomorrow.)

Mother's Day

For a Mother's Day gift to my girls, I got this whim to paint their babies. Ive  always "grrrrd" about Mother's Day, because I always had my hopes up that I would be recognized by my hubby as a good mother. I'm not his mother. Right? Anyway, Jerry is so precious and faithful on a daily basis, but he was never a "special occasion" kind a guy. What's up with all of us trying to keep up with those unrealistic expectations that are initiated by Hallmark! I have yet to experience a Mother's day without some sort of emotional disaster.   I'm totally over it now. Funny, I remember the first year we were married. It was Valentine's Day and I was a "dreaming" wife. Jerry didn't even realize that it was Valentine's Day. I nagged that poor man so badly, that he bolted out of the house MAD. About 30 minutes later he bolted right back in the door of our little two bedroom apartment holding a bunch of cut roses, shoved them in my face and said, "HERE!". He had gone to his mother's house and cut them off of her bushes. I realized then that I did NOT marry a "romantic". Ah! Such silly things we sometimes get mad about. A lot of time has passed since then. 38 years.

I'm usually a day late and a dollar short for most everything and quite often miss opportunities. But, I just finished these little rascals. All four of them.

Let me introduce to you:

Baby Mac, Fletcher, Granville, and baby Charlie.

Have a wonderful Mother's day to all you selfless and devoted mothers!

We're Back from the Dentist

Well, I sort of thought this would happen.  Our dear beloved female dentist has referred us to an oral surgeon.  The tooth can't be saved. As I drove to the dentist this morning, I found myself getting all caught up with anxiety and emotion.   Since I am the soul caregiver and provider for Jerry I felt totally responsible for Jerry's tooth.  I'm not a huge fan of going to the dentist, no offense to the dental community out there, but I know going to the dentist can be a bit sensative.  NOW, I was in great fear that my negligence was going to cause Jerry to be in pain.  Sniff!

It's kind of like a young mother who takes their unsuspecting infant to get their first shot...it's going to make them cry.  The mommie cries, too.

I emailed the dentist ahead of time to tell her of our situation.  She was prepared and brought me back to the room with Jerry.  She was gentle and sweet, but told me she was not going to be able to save the tooth.  She also said that it had broken off so there was nothing she could grab so it would need to be extracted by an oral surgeon.  She reassured me that this was not my fault and I shouldn't feel bad.  Some medications affect the bacteria fighting saliva in the mouth the teeth can become an issue.

They managed to get us in for a consultation this afternoon with the surgeon.  Jerry didn't understand what was going on.  He kept thinking his tooth was going to be taken care of.  Even after the surgeon's consult, I had to tell him that the surgery would be next week.  

Anyway, next Monday will be here before I know it.  I can't believe how much today's events emotionally and mentally drained me.  I am such a wuss!  Just more confirmation that as long as things stay on an even keel, I can play the "good caregiver" roll, but once things get a little rocky, I fall to pieces!

Whew!  Glad today is over.

What's Wrong? Who Knows?

Remember the tooth that fell out at the Derby party?  We're going to the dentist today.  I swear it boggles my mind how that thing doesn't hurt.  Atleast, I don't think it hurts because Jerry hasn't complained.  Course, he never complains, but I've asked him if it hurts and he said, "no".  That's another one of the challenges with our dementia friends.  They can't tell you what's wrong.  If they are sick, they can't tell you how bad they feel.   If something hurts, they can't describe it.  Actually, one time a couple of years ago, when Jerry was able to communicate a little better,  he kept complaining about his wrist.  I thought it was probably just arthritis pain.  (We old folks become accustom to not "when it hurts" but "where it hurts".)  So I gave him ibuprophen and didn't think much of it.  After months of complaining I finally took him to the doctor for xrays.  Sure enough, he had broken BOTH BONES!  Now, before you turn me into social services, I must say the fracture had occured about two years earlier when he fell on the golf course.  At that time, I DID take him to the emergency room because his leg was pretty banged up.  All the attention was on the leg, so one noticed the wrist.  It healed incorrectly and thus has developed arthritis.   He never says a word about it anymore.

Back to the dentist.  This tooth had been a problem child and was filled, 6 months ago,  in November.  I thought everything was fine. Evidently the filling didn't hold and it started bothering him again about a month ago.  (I could tell because he would point.)  MY BAD!  I'm going today with my tail tucked between my legs and my head hung low that I didn't get him back to the dentist sooner.  Atleast before it FELL OUT!

So today, unfortunately, might be an unpleasant experience.  Thank heavens, the dentist is female and gentle, and has special empathy for Jerry because her dad suffered from dementia. 

I'll let you know how it goes.

Monday Mornings

I love Monday mornings.  New mercies, once again.

After all that socializing last week, I decided it was time to stay home and renew our spirits.   No people.  No pats on the back.  No chatting.  I was just too mentally exhausted and, besides, didn't have the energy to get Jerry dressed up again.  So I did my morning walk and a little gardening, then came inside.  When Jerry came down we turned on Charles Stanley. 

There is one thing that is really special that I've noticed.    Jerry and I both grew up listening to Billy Graham.   (We're pretty "old school".)   When I was a little girl, my parents would watch him and insist that I sit and watch too.  Of course, I would sigh and "comply", but I didn't want to.  But those years of listening to him preach gave me my start on reading the Bible.  And, for me, that is where I get my strength.   Trust me, dearhearts!  I WOULD HAVE BEEN DOWN THE DRAIN A LONG TIME AGO WITHOUT IT!  Even today, when Jerry and I run across an old Billy Graham crusade on TV, it takes us both back.  I see Jerry "tune in".  It's another one of those special moments and I thank God for it.

So, after our day of respite yesterday, I hopped out of bed at 6:00 this morning.  I kept thinking I should go back to bed, but Montana insisted on going for her bike ride.  Sometimes, instead of walking her, I ride my bike and have her run along side.  We both love it!  We live in an area where there is wildlife everywhere.  Deer, geese, egrets, turtles...you name it!  It's like our own garden of Eden.  Not to mention that Montana loves to chase them all.

Jerry is still sleeping but Bruce is coming at noon.  He always looks forward to "playing golf" with Bruce.  In fact, whenever he hears that anyone is out playing golf, Jerry notices.  Since he has no concept of time, he thinks they have gone without him and I can see his contenance kind of slump.  BUT, I remind him that Monday is coming and Bruce will be here.    

Mondays are also good, because I always start a new painting.  I've got a little something up my sleeve as a surprise, but I can't reveal what I am doing.  You'll see in about a week.  Hope it turns out.  In the meantime, I'm excited about the day and must get a move on.  I hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

Thanks for tuning in.  I love your comments.  Have a marvelous Monday!

Sob

  This afternoon was Derby Day and we were invited to our first Derby party.  Afterwards, we were going to a going away party for some friends of ours from our church.  The Derby party was a full of fun folks we didn't know well.   I sucked it up, put on my brave face and took Jerry.  Jerry was all dressed up in his cool linen shirt, jeans, and sperry slip ons.  (It's very important to keep him looking handsome, ya know.)  Everyone was nice and the few folks we knew were friendly and attentive.  Course, it was a little scary when he came up to me, nudged me in the rib and handed me this silver shaped tooth.  Auuuuuuugh!  His cap fell off! 

Maybe, it was time to go to the next party.

Now, let me preface this with me telling you that Jerry is a die hard Alabama fan.  He went to school at Alabama during the Bear Bryant days.  So anyone who knows anything about Alabama, knows who Bear Bryant is.  SEC football is the ONLY football!

At the going away party, our sweet friends were moving to Florida.  We were all giving them silly gag gifts to "decorate" their new home and playing videos of their faces superimposed on these crazy dancing figures.  Must say, it was quite funny.  It was one of those bitter sweet occasions.  Anyway, we had known this couple only for a few years, but I've found that even though friends for a short time, there was always a kindship.  Don was also a BAMA fan. 

Jerry was sinking fast (I suppose the socializing had worn him out), so he wasn't interacting very well.  I stuck really close.  (He also ate ALL my chocolate cake. )  By the end of the gift giving, Don stood up and said, "I've got one more thing I need to do".  He said, "I couldn't give everyone a gift here, so I have something special I want to give to a special person.  He opened up this crumply tissue papered present and handed Jerry a brand new crimson Alabama  13 time Championship hat.  Jerry stood up and teared up.  So did I.  So did everyone.  What another precious moment between friends.

I still can't stop crying about it.  I am so touched at the thoughtfulness of people.  Guess I'm just an emotional basket case and very vulnerable to, well, just about everything.

We're back home now.  He just looked at his hat....and said, I can't read it.  SOB!  Of course, I read it to him.  Then he put it back on and said,   "Nice hat" and went to bed.  Think I will too.

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart ...Psalm 34:18

Southport

It's been a long time since Jerry and I have been on an "alone" trip.  We use to do little trips ALL the time, but as he has progressed I've been a little reluctant to do so.  I'm afraid I'll get all these unrealistic expectations and get melancholy or frustrated, then I'll get sad. 

But, yesterday, I got this whim to get away...just Jerry and I.  So, I  mentally prepared myself for "no expectations", very little conversation and a lot of S-L-O-W-N-E-S-S.  (is that a word?). I asked Jerry to walk the dog,  gathered some things, and then we hopped in the car.  (Well, I hopped in after putting Jerry in his side of the car.)   In his way, he was all excited, "Just the two of us?".  All we needed was a convertable.

As we headed south along the coast towards a little town called Southport, NC, I saw the sign to the Southport ferry.  How cool would that be, to ride the ferry across the Cape Fear river!  It was so peaceful, with just a tad of excitement in that we got to drive our car onto the ferry.  Jerry loved it.

Going to Southport is like going back in time to the Civil War.  The streets are lined  old historic waterfront houses from the 1800's with American flags waving from their front porches.  Very few people were there, so we had the whole town to ourselves.  Immediately I started snapping pictures of church steeples and porches for future paintings.  We visited a couple of galleries, and I might even have the opportunity to be an exhibitor.  Yippi!  I never would have even approached them, if Jerry hadn't nudged me along.  (He's my biggest supporter, ya know.)

Once 4:00 rolled around, I was trying to decide whether to head on back home, or whether we should stay for the night.  Jerry had to go "potty", and just about then, we passed by a little coffee shop.  Figuring we could do the potty and coffee thing we went inside.   Anyway, while we were there we met a cool couple who encouraged us stay at Lois Janes Riverview Inn and eat dinner at Mr. P's Restaurant.  Course, it's always a little uncomfortable taking Jerry anywhere because I feel I have to explain why he can't talk or socialize.  I don't want people to think he's a big dork, so I feel I need to tell them he's ill.  So when he wasn't looking, I mentioned that my husband has Alzheimers.   I guess it's a hangup of mine, but really, I think people are more understanding if they know he's ill.     

At Lois Jane's, I explained about Jerry, when we checked in and the manager, Jeremy, was more than hospitable.  Extra, extra friendly!    Jerry was exhausted and was resting on the bed so Jeremy fixed us a plate of assorted cheeses and olives, poured two glasses of white wine, and carried it to our room which overlooked the river.  Talk about the "life", we were so  spoiled.

Mr. P's fine dining was going to be a little tricky with a guy who couldn't remember to use a fork.  But, I decided to give it a try.  Just as we entered, there was that couple, from the coffee shop, who waved at us and came over to the table for a brief visit.  How great was that!  They just chatted as if we were "normal".  What a relief!  Our waitress, caught on pretty quickly that Jerry couldn't order, so she respectfully gave us her special schpeal in tiptop manner and gracioulsy served us a crab stuffed shrimp in a bowl with grits with a Caesar salad.  So far, so good. 

Here was the test.  How long would I last in this silence?   Each  white clothed table was attended by an intimate looking couple enjoying their dining experience over a bottle of wine and idol chatter.  I must admit that  I found my mind wandering to this one  couple within earshot of us.  There she was, early 60's, very trim and attractive, dressed in her tan linen outfit and big artsy necklace.  There he was, in a sharply starched button down shirt and deck shoes.  (yes, he had pants on but I didn't notice them.)   They were ENGAGED in a conversation and clearly were "gaga" in their "second time around".  Smitten with each other, they were talking about  staying healthy, pap smears, colonoscopies, and keeping their weight down.  GAG ME!  Is that what 60 somethings do?  All the while, they were looking into each other's eyes and holding hands across the table.  GAG ME, TWICE!  I heard him tell her she was beautiful.  OH!  GET ME OUTTA HERE!

I'm laughing as I write this.  Not me, I thought.  I'm never doing this again!  No second time for me!  This is too much work!  Besides no one could ever replace this "man of mine".  Fork or no fork, we're doing just fine, thank you.  I like the comfort that Jerry and I have.  No pretenses, no performances, no fruity words.  AND, even though I need a break from time to time, just togetherness.  I good with that.

The next morning, I went down to meet up with Jeremy and tell him that we would not be attending breakfast.  He was cooking a huge southern style breakfast which all the guest would be together at the dining table.  I sort of said Jerry might be uncomfortable eating with strangers, plus they might be uncomfortable too.  But, he insisted that we stay and have breakfast.  He served us early and laid out before us the best grits I've ever had, along with eggs, bacon, sausage, fruit and toast.  Those grits!   A conduit for all that is bad for you.  Butter, cream.....all that is bad...and "Oh, SO GOOD!"  And once I put the fork in Jerry's hand, he consumed every one of those little gritlings. 

Well, that's it for Southport.  I'd say it's a "do over".  That's what Jerry would call it.  "A DO OVER".  That means good.

Precious Moments

I woke up this morning to catch up on some things before heading out for the day.  Robert is coming and I have Bible study with friends and  art deliveries to make. While catching up on my emails I was "greeted" by a precious young friend who has discovered she has breast cancer.  As I read her message about the emotions of leaving her old community of friends and moving to a new place just shortly before she found out about her cancer, I was reminded of that exact thing that Jerry and I did.

We had our home here for years but rented it, so when we came to visit, we were actually like tourists ourselves.  When I took early retirement, I knew we would need to scale down, so we (I) decided to moved to a place where it was simpler and more relaxed.  HERE.  It was against the advise of our Raleigh friends and family, but I just felt this tug in my heart to retreat with Jerry to this simpler place.  (to live out our days "On Golden Pond" so to speak.)

I cannot describe the overwhelming goodness that has come to us in this place.  God has given us this time of respite with each other and has brought the beautiful people into our lives that we never would have known. 

My new little friend, who is battling cancer, will experience the same blessings, I'm sure.  The overwhelming goodness of God sends chills down my arms.  The bonds you make when you are "in sink" spiritually with others who seek to know God, deepen the soul.  Relationships are more precious than gold.

Thought I would share that.

Fantabulous Day!

We were delightfully surprised last night with the arrival of our son-in-law, Jason, who brought us our 4year old grandson, Fletcher.  I call him "happy", because, well, that's his whole demeanor.  He is such a pleasure to be around and his countenance is always happy. Jerry and Fletcher really hit is off today.  Children have such a sense about them.   He treated "Papa J" just like normal, but when Papa wouldn't answer, he'd just give me the "eye".  We rode around the neighborhood on our bikes and his old big wheel (with the worn out tire).  He had no complaints but WOULD accept help now and then when the wheel just wouldn't turn.  The windy but sunshiny day was begging for us to be outside and catch those little furry puffs of "whatever" floating in the air.  So we took a "trip" to the  see turtles and geese with their little gosslings. 

Jerry was really "up" for the occasion.  After our day outside which also included a shell hunt on the beach, we went to our favorite "50's" hamburger joint.  Fletcher and Jerry really bonded.  Without any words, they would bebop on the seat to 50's music, eat their fries, and slurp down their ice cream sundaes.  Jerry could remember those tunes and began to tap along on the table.  Fletcher joined in.  It was one of those bonding moments.

Since things were going so well, I decided to keep it going.  We walked the fishing pier to see if the fish were biting (which they weren't), then hiked the trail along the sound.  Lots of exercise and lots of quiet fun. 

We need more days like this.  BUT, I'll  put this one down in the books.

I Don't Get Mad Anymore

I don’t get mad anymore.  If you remember one of my first blog posts you’ll remember the funny one about the hose.  Well, that was then and this is now.  Jerry’s dementia has reached the point where I really realize how far he has progressed.  I am just so greatful that I've got so many friends who seem to understand and who can sense his needs at times. Not that I haven’t known that for quite some time of his decline, but most of the time, I felt he still was able to understand or “be there” with me a lot of the time.  In the past, I could classify our days as good days and bad days.  Hopefully, there would be more good days than bad.  Then, it moved to more good hours than bad.  Now, I think he’s about the same most of the time.  It’s not good, nor bad.  It’s just the way it is. 

Does that make sense? 

I find that I really can’t get mad or frustrated at him.  Although his large motor skills are pretty good, very few things that require any type of thought process is he able to do.  His task level has been pretty much reduced to things that have been automatically engrained in him.  For instance, he can't cut his food, but he can still ride his bike.  (You know they say, you never forget how to ride a bike.  That's so true!)

We had a full day today.  Tonight, when I went to bed, I found him asleep all curled up on top of the covers.  Our bed is a king and it has one of those pillow top mattresses that you sink into. He looked so small and it reminded me of how this disease is taking its toll.   There can be nothing but compassion for him or anyone else who suffers from this.  

It’s not about me anymore.

Ups and Downs

Man!  These posts go up and down more than a horse on a merry-go- round.  When I write at night, I am melancholy.  When I write in the morning, I am excited and funny.  I must exhaust you guys!

That's one of the challenges of this caregiving thing.  In order to keep emotions in check, I've got to distance myself.  Yet, Jerry IS my best friend and my soulmate, so I can't just treat him like any old person.  We've stuck it out through thick and thin, and he deserves to be cared for and respected by me.

Yesterday was a really nice day.  Some sassy gals from our church were getting together for lunch at this really nice restaurant.  They passed around a sign up sheet and I signed up, but added a note, "need a mansitter".  Yippi!  One of the hubbies agreed to take Jerry so I could join the girls.  Now, that's the way it should be done.  Richard, did a great job.  I know it was probably out of his comfort zone, but when Jerry came back it took all his effort to get the words out, "he's....." then tapped on his chest.."so nice".  Jerry really liked Richard and sensed his sincerity.  Sniff!   I love it when I see sincere men.  They are the manliest of men.  The best!

I took a few minutes to wrap up a few paintings that I'm getting ready to show, and when I went upstairs, Jerry was completely enveloped in the covers of the bed.  Bittersweet but fast asleep.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Remember Mr. Rogers?  We're back home now, after spending 3 wonderful days with our kids and grandkids.  I just wuff them so much! This morning, while walking Montana, I noticed the quiet outside all accept for the birds.  I could see a little bird on a rooftop singing to another bird on another rooftop.  There was a whole little birdie community.  Wonder what they were talking about? It's been a good few days.  First we had the "ludicrous" doctor visit. When we arrived, we were greeted by an old friend who had read the blog and knew we would be at the Duke memory clinic.  Kathy has been on this journey with us for over 10 years.  Friends, especially those who have stuck it out with us are incredibly priceless and humbling to know.

Even though it's silly to have Jerry recertified for disablility, I still learned a lot.  I asked Candace (our PA.) about the coughing sound that Jerry makes when he swallows.  She told me that the swallowing process is a pretty complex action that most of us take for granted.  He may be beginning to having difficulty swallowing certains foods.  Most Alzheimer patients pass away from "complications" due to Alzheimer Disease.  When the disease becomes more advanced the swallowing becomes more difficult and they begin to asperate. Bacteria will go down into the lungs and pneumonia develops.   We'll be keeping an eye on that. 

Also, we discussed his right arm and leg.  She referred to them as "parkinsonisms".  Since all of this neurological, Alzheimer patients can develop symptoms similar to Parkinsons disease.   His leg and gate have a little shuffle action and his right arm is stiff and doesn't get used much.  It stays in his pocket most of the time.  She said that limb neglect is when the brain forgets that the limb is there.  She's even known of patients who would, for instance, while pulling themselves along in their wheel chair,  grab onto a handlebar, keep on going and forget to let go of the handle.  Thus pulling their arm our of socket.  Weird what goes on in that brain! 

Enough of that dreary stuff!  Let's move on.  I really think Jerry did great on the trip.  Since it was a busy trip, I made it short and sweet.  He wouldn't have been able to keep it up for very long.  He responded great to the little boys and is in love with baby Mac, the two year old.  Jerry was even smiling and responsive to them all.  Oh yeah, that was another "parkinsonism", the "flat" face.  Sometimes the face becomes kind of stuck in an expression that seems neither positive nor negative.  To me, it seems grumpy or negative, but it doesn't exactly represent what the person is feeling.  It could look grumpy, but the person is happy.  Sigh!  Yet, another thing to be sensative to.

Well, I'm getting to my 500 word limit, so I'll sign off for now.  Glad to be back home, yet sad to say goodbye to the babes.    Ta ta.

Ludicrous

We'll be headed back up to Duke today.  We've been going to the Duke  Memory Clinic for 12years.  In my opinion they are the most wonderful folks in the world.  They've seen us through every stage and provided support in so mnay ways.  We became such a common name around there that when ever I called nurse Sandra, I didn't even have to introduce myself.  She'd immediately ask, "How's Mr. Jerry?" Anyway, the reason I say ludicrous, is that we are having to drive up to Raleigh to have an exam and have our annual longterm disability papers filled out.  Jerry might have answer the MMSE (mini mental status exam) which is rediculous because he can only answer about 1  question on it:  "What is your name?"   I mean Jerry has been on disability for 12 years and each year we have to do this.  I mean..."What?  Does the governmment think  this is going to get any better and that he'll become UNdisabled ?"  Besides it's going to cost me $100 in gas and two days of my time.  Thank heavens my grandkids are up there, but what if they weren't? 

Grrr!  (oops!  I said, "no grumpies.)  The inconsistencies, both, in government and private health care just keep me shaking my head.  There is no coverage of any "in-home" companion care for Alzheimers.  They only help with rehabilitative care.  Therefore we don't qualify, (even though we PAY both medicare insurance and private health care insurance.)  Medicare and health insurance does help with "in-home" nursing, but not custodial.  Therefore, since they've already deemed Alzheimer/Dementia as NONrehabilitative why do I have to keep REqualify him?

See what I mean?

But, ce la vie.  Jerry's happy to go see Ms. Candace.  She's a sweetie.  He'll love the attention while he's there.  And remember, a happy Jerry makes a happy Sue.

Blessed are the pure in heart...

I'm getting tired.  This moring Jerry took a shower and didn't know how to turn the shower off.  There he was drying off WITH the shower running.  Help me! Today, Sunday, we had the privilege of going to church.  The sermon was on the "beautiful attitudes", (Beatitudes).  Today's particular focus was on the "pure in heart".  What does that mean?  Are our hearts ever really pure?  Since we are all imperfect, how in the world can we obtain a pure heart?  Simply put....simply God.

Simple enough.  Jerry's a perfect example.  There is no superficial religious practice in him.  No performance values.  He simply IS.  In our class, he is totally comfortable.  I mean those 24 people in that class know how to pat him on the back and laugh with him in spite of the fact that he makes no sense.  It's a warm and fuzzy thing.

The teacher was pricking our little minds with all sorts of questions like: Why was Jesus baptized since he was without sin?   Why was there no account of his baptism or transfiguration in the gospel of John, when John was an eye witness?  Lot's of stuff to think about.  And there was Jerry, trying to grasp what he could; whose body lanquage of sitting forward in his chair and his eyes fixed on the teacher,  would say  "it's a good thing". 

What's a good thing?  You see Jerry is experiencing "simply God."  GOD is a good thing.  Talk about pure in heart.  He is.  As I see him fading and stuggling more and more, I see more of the simply God things.  It's bittersweet to watch but I'm glad he has that peaceful reward in his heart.  

 When all the superficial things of this world have dimmed..simply God IS a good thing.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.  Matthew 5:8

The Tortoise and the Hare

Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare?  Guess who's the tortoise and guess who's the hare.  I think that's why I am my own worst enemy.  Maybe it's because while I was a stay at home mom in my younger days, I was a tortoise too.  I found that 99.9% of my activities involved waiting for my children.  Waiting for practice to be over, waiting for homework to be done, waiting for them to finish their food.  (Hmmm.  Good preparation for today's situation.) I mean mommiehood is really for encouraging, supporting and waiting on someone else.  No point in being in a hurry if you are always waiting.  Not too much different than caring for someone who's ill.  Course, with children, the waiting  has it's positive rewards as you watch with excitement each new development.  With a terminally ill person, since the waiting is not moving forward, it is waiting for...well..uh...you know.   And with Alzheimer disease, the wait is quite long.  While waiting  you must create your own motivation to stay positive. Anyway, the tortoise and hare thingie always makes me laugh.  Jerry is a total tortoise.  It's kind of like comparing an old 1972 VW Beatle to a NASCAR.  The VW just slowly putts around all the time and stalls A LOT!   The Nascar has a reved up engine and is continually going in circles around the track.  Course, in the story of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise wins the race.  (We might need to write a new version of that story.)  

Since being released from mommiehood, I've morphed into a hare.   Perhaps it's my coping mechanism of maintaining a positive attitude.  Continually having a project (or three) to work on, looking for beautiful things to share with the world, capturing those funny moments with friends, all keep my brain just clicking away at a nice fast hmmmm.  I love it.  The challenge for me, however, is to not get too carried away and forget that Jerry (my tortoise) is trying to keep up, yet, falling further and further behind.  My instruction to myself is to create times when he can "help" me.  I need to be able to determine when he is capable of "joining me" or when he is better off resting.  If I am busy "humming" away, he WILL try to follow.  It's a tricky thing to manage.  He enjoys priming my canvases and I need to let him .  Once he completes a canvas or two (which could take tortoise's hours to do), he's satisfied and can go nap.  Then, I can continue painting.

Today, I think we are staying home.  No escapades.  Maybe even no visitors.  Maybe we both need to recharge our batteries so we can continue our race.  Afterall, it's not going to be finished anytime soon.

I Did It Again

Every time I get over tired, I blow a gasket.  Sniff!  I hate it when I do that!  Yesterday, Montana and I did our morning thing.  Rode bikes. Me on the bike and Montana beside me.  (Hey, Caesar Milan does it!)  When we got home, she took her usual spot on then deck and I caught up with my emails and did a little admin stuff.  I like to get that all out of the way before Jerry gets up. 

Once he got up, we had our breakfast and went outside.   It was, yet, another beautiful Emerald Isle day and the overgrown oleanders were calling out to me, “Cut me!  Cut me!”  Jerry seemed pretty perky, so I engaged him in my little project.  Hint!  Keep the tasks short, lest our little helpers lose their motivation.  After a couple of trips of throwing branches on the pile at the street, I watched as the pile managed to travel its way back to me.  Oh well.  It was good for a while.  We actually completed the job, eventually. 

By lunchtime we were pooped.  We ate and Jerry sat on the sofa for a nap.  While he was napping, I managed to sneak off to the grocery store.  I had a luncheon at my house today, so I needed to get ready for that.  Of course, I just HAD to stop by the nursery to get some of those deliciously abundant blooms that were hanging from the pergolas.  $100 later, those blooms cried out to be planted in my garden.  What’s wrong with me?  I just can’t stop!  Good thing it wasn’t cake!

 Jerry was still on the sofa.  He’d come and watch a little, but then go back inside.  If I did ask him to bring something to me (like a bag of dirt or a pot) it just wasn’t going to happen.  Poor guy would carry them around in circles and I would get “grrrred” and get it myself.  Instead of getting angry, though, he’d just smile with his big toothy grin and I would break into a chuckle.  I mean, it’s just the way it is.

Then it happened.  We both went up to the local wine market where they were having a little wine tasting.  Sometimes we go up there, because it’s free dinner.  They always have great appetizers to go with the wine.  After it was over, we bought a few of the appetizers for a later date.  Jerry carried the bag.  It was 7:30 now, and the exhaustion hit me.  I asked him where he put that bag of groceries.  He had no idea.  I searched high and low, upstairs, downstairs, in the car.  WHERE WAS THAT BAG OF GROCERIES?   He was clueless.  However, he could see that I was getting upset.  Then, I looked over and saw a loaf of bread here, and block of cheese over there, some remoulade sauce on another table.  Got it? He had spread the goodies all over the house.  Relieved, but more exhausted, I quit.  I was done.  Toast.  Finished.  Time to give it up and go to bed.

Plaids and Stripes

Let’s talk about dressing.  Jerry use to be such a handsome dresser.  Being a corporate man, he was always dressed in his blue pin striped suit, red or yellow tie, and black dress shoes.  On weekends, he had this thing about a collared golf shirt and jeans.  Such a handsome thing! Mmm, mm, I was so proud!     

Well, I came bounding up the stairs after having finished my tax stuff this morning.  I was just exhilarated because I had gotten that accomplished.  There was Jerry, standing by the window looking at the dog...dressed in light blue madras plaid shorts and a navy blue and white bold nautical striped long sleeve shirt.  Got the picture?  It’s the new men’s bohemian look.  NOT!

 There are a few things that Jerry just MUST HAVE; his socks and his belt.  Without those things, he feels naked.  He just cannot move on unless he has those items.  The other day, he was completely dressed, belt and all, yet, forgot that his belt was already on.  I turned around and saw him reaching into the drawer.   Before, I knew it...he had another belt on OVER his sweat shirt.  I poked my lip out, with compassion, and reminded him that he already had a belt on.  Then, I directed him to putting on his shoes. 

Reducing his selection with fewer choices may help.   I’ve decided that instead of constantly changing clothes, I’m just going to buy him solids.  Solid shorts, solid shirts, all blue and white!  At least that means he’ll match and I won’t have to fuss or make him redress. I choose blue because of his drop dead beautiful blue eyes.  Honestly, I’ve given up a lot of what really doesn’t matter.  Frankly, I could care less about being a “clothes horse”, however, we don’t want to sport the Walter Matthau look from Grumpy Old Men, either.

Remembering How

So, I don’t know quite how to handle the dining thing.  Yesterday, when Jerry came down, he seemed clear and alert.  Remember I was all energized?  Anyway, I was painting in my studio when he came down.  I told him I was finishing up and asked if he wanted my coffee.  He took it and we both went upstairs together.  I was still all excited about our day. “We were going to have a great day, starting with an omelet.” I said.   He came into the kitchen with me and started to say something.  It went away as fast as the words came out of his mouth.  He never could finish his sentence.  I think he thought Jack was coming over.   "It’s a “You and Me” day today", I said.  He seemed a little disappointed. (course, when he’s out with his friends, he can’t wait to get back to me.  Confusing, huh?)

Once the omelets were done, I donned each plate with some whole wheat toast and orange marmalade.  We sat down, then he “disappeared”.  Drat!  With great futility I tried my best to keep conversation going. “Is it good?”  “Beautiful day.”  “Wonder why they are surveying our street.”  No response, just blank stare straight ahead.  I said, “Hello”.  He looked over and looked at me.  Then, he went back to the middle stare.

Determined not to put a damper on the day ahead, I got up and started putting the dishes away.  I came down here and started writing this blog.  After he finished eating, he came in and threw his arms open and said, “Ta! Da!”.  I said, “You’re back!  Yeah!”  Then he came over and touched my back.  Whoa!  That doesn’t happen very often.

Who knows?  Maybe he has to concentrate so hard on getting the fork to his mouth that he can’t even acknowledge that someone else is at the table.  I mean, he WAS trying to eat his egg with a knife until I handed him the fork.  Robert, our saintly companion for over a year, offered this suggestion.  He said that he notices that when Jerry is eating he needs to know that he can take as much time as he needs.  If I get up, Jerry stops.  He figures that it is time to stop.  But, no matter how long it takes, if I stay with him, he'll probably finish his meal.

There are so many things we take for granted.    Like, walking AND going in the right direction.  Like, knowing how to open a car door.  Like, remembering to close a door.  Like, knowing where the flag is when you swing the golf club. Ha!

Most importantly, I see that I get best results with everything if I "walk" beside him.  Like we're connected.  I like that anyway.  Afterall, we've been connected for 38 years.

Gotta go.  He’s waiting.

No Grumpies

Which way does this top go?  Where’s the sleeve?  This shirt is so twisted up!  Crisscrossed in the front and the back.  Bet you thought I was describing Jerry, huh.  NOT!  I was trying to find out how to get into this old Vera Wang tee shirt that I have.  (Yes, Vera does have tee shirts on the clearance rack sometimes.)  I mean why can’t I just wear a simple tee shirt today?  Ya know, a small hole for the neck and two arms across from each other with a BIG hole to on the bottom to pull it over my body.     We stress ourselves out over the stupidest things.  Cell phones, answering machines, fancy smancy hi-tech ovens, even TEE SHIRTS!  No wonder we’re all going mad!        

 Speaking of mad.  Things are definitely changing with Jerry.  I’ve noticed that he gets pouty and miffed whenever I get preoccupied with anything other than HIM.  Yesterday, we had the best day.  I took him to a few appointments; we chatted with all my clients, and then had a great little early dinner in Beaufort.  (Beaufort is this adorable little fishing village with lots of cool boats and little seafood dives.)   I ordered his favorite shrimp burger and onion rings.  I cut his sandwich and place both of his hands on one half so it wouldn’t fall apart.  He was happy.  We walked around a little bit and looked at the boats, then headed home.

 Once we were home, I turned on the news for him; then I walked across the room to the kitchen table and started to dabble with some new watercolor pencils I’ve discovered. My girlfriend, Ann, unexpectedly popped in the door a few minutes later.  I loved that! Visitors always brighten my day. So excited about my new pencils, we both started working on some small drawings.  

 My girlfriends always make a big “ta do” over Jerry.  They give him tons of hugs and call him their boyfriend, yada yada yada.  But this time, I could tell Jerry was NOT happy about my having company.  After his brief cordials, he went upstairs in a pouty little mood.  Ann was all concerned and didn’t want Jerry to be upset, so I went up to check on him.  Jerry was all curled up on the bed, in a fetal position with his eyes just staring into space.  After a futile attempt to get him to come back down, I straightened him out, sat him up, turned on some TV sports, then went back down to visit Ann. 

 Now, in the past I would have been covered in guilt but I’ve slowly come to grips with that.  Not feeling guilty, that is.  I’ve had to realize that this is NOT Jerry, it’s the disease. Besides, he won’t remember being mad in the morning.  Neither will I.